Hand-rolled indeed

I got some real nice tea as a gift

jasmine pearls

hundreds of these little rolled-up balls of tea that expand into pretty leaves when you pour water on them

my friends who just got back from china were like “those balls are rolled by hand”

and I'm all, no way

then last night I made some and there was a hair sticking out

thought it was mine but nope it was rolled into the tea ball itself

I unraveled the whole thing

long and black

and so I says, I'll tell ya what I says, I says YESSS

Things I do when I feel rich

I got paid at the beginning of the month. I celebrated by buying as much junk food as I could carry home.

After gorging myself on sugar cereal, I passed out on a nest of easter candy wrappers.

I woke to find that I had napped on a chocolate egg. It had melted between my warm body and the sheets beneath me.

The stain it left is so so outrageously atrocious. I cannot wait to wash my bedding and shock the old Greeks at the laundromat.

It isn't the first time this has happened.

On my 10^th grade chorus trip to Washington DC, I glued myself to the bus seat with a strawberry Charleston Chew.

It fell between me and the seat when, in the middle of eating it, I slipped into a junior diabetic coma. I knew something was up when I tried to rise and was held back by the seat of my pants. Brown and pink and no change of clothes.

I still love you. I want you back.

April Fools!