Smokin' Hot

Loxy Lady


I hear Jews eat lox and that's why there are no Jews in jail.

lolx

I will have two daughters and I will name them Grace and Poise

I skate good.

Not sure if it's clear what's going on in this picture, but this is me clutching Helen for support while trying to lift my skate as high as I possibly could.

I wanted to take a pretty ice princess picture.

The sad thing is, at the time it felt like I was in fact lifting my leg way high. I remember thinking "dude this picture is going to be siiick."

This is, of course, before I got to reenact that drowning polar bear scene in Planet Earth by falling through the ice into the gritty puddle of Parc LaFontaine.

When people ask about the bruises I think I'm going to tell them I play soccer. Yes. I am an athlete. That ought to cover it.

One day I will grow out of this awkward stage.

Helen sure hopes so.

"Fuck this shit."

LeXXXicon

Duke of Churl

Talk wordy to me baby

lol postsecret

(This may make no sense if you are not familiar with the intense inanity of postsecret.)

I'm crude but I'm cultured

I was looking for frozen yogurt recipes, I swear.

This is what I got instead:

“A healthy vagina is as clean and pure as a carton of yogurt.”

What a fucking image.

Gets better, too. It's followed by a page full of advice on how to get rid of vaginal infections.

Oh yes oh yes.

Got a yeastie? Fill 'er to the brim with yogurt to encourage the growth of friendly lactobacteria.

Still itchy? Cram a clove of garlic up there to kill those vag-nasties.

I say, both at once! Then masturbate with a cucumber and you can celebrate your healthy honeypot with a batch of homemade Tzatziki.

Twatziki.

TWO were left over in the sink after I took the trash out, and I had to flush them down the toilet to kill the stink

I may have already mentioned this, but my roommate is an idiot. Her most recent challenge was distinguishing between lettuce (she was going for iceberg, that gives you an idea) and cabbage.

She failed, and now I have her abandoned head of cabbage in my fridge. It's the size of a kickball and weighs like ten pounds, but I can't throw it out because I'd feel guilty. So here I am at 1am, hungry and googling “delicious cabbage recipes.”

Also, I found out what rotten chickpeas smell like. The wrath of God, that's what.

On Dating

Some random asked me out to a movie in the dairy section of the grocery store yesterday. I said no, but I was all like, "a date a date a date someone asked me on a date, I am so classy haHA" and then he was all like, "I'll PAY" and I felt a little less awesome.