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Don't Call Me, I'll Call You

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My life is full of romance.

The last "date" I had involved a cute drunk boy showing up at my house for an evening stroll. I was optimistic.

Well...

He didn't seem all that tanked when he arrived, but by the time we were three blocks away from my house he could no longer hold himself up.

It took me a full forty minutes for me to mostly carry his six-foot-something-impressive frame back to my place. Where he passed out on my bed. I had to take his shoes off.

Don't look at me like that, this one was leagues beyond too drunk to fuck.

At least he was complimentary. “You have the most beautiful collarbone,” is what I think he slurred as he slipped from my arms and onto a sharp rock. Oops. He's going to feel that in the morning.

And he did. Oh, believe me, morning was all kinds of comfortable.

“Where did all these grass stains come from? I don't remember anything.”

Oh suuure.

Dear Teenage-Boy Roommates,

.............................
Sure, maybe now I'm the alluring older woman.


But wait till I'm sitting around the couch all day in my pajamas, laughing at my own farts.


Yeah, you just wait.

I really like how they all look super thrilled

"good news!"

Hand-rolled indeed

I got some real nice tea as a gift

jasmine pearls

hundreds of these little rolled-up balls of tea that expand into pretty leaves when you pour water on them

my friends who just got back from china were like “those balls are rolled by hand”

and I'm all, no way

then last night I made some and there was a hair sticking out

thought it was mine but nope it was rolled into the tea ball itself

I unraveled the whole thing

long and black

and so I says, I'll tell ya what I says, I says YESSS

Things I do when I feel rich

I got paid at the beginning of the month. I celebrated by buying as much junk food as I could carry home.

After gorging myself on sugar cereal, I passed out on a nest of easter candy wrappers.

I woke to find that I had napped on a chocolate egg. It had melted between my warm body and the sheets beneath me.

The stain it left is so so outrageously atrocious. I cannot wait to wash my bedding and shock the old Greeks at the laundromat.

It isn't the first time this has happened.

On my 10^th grade chorus trip to Washington DC, I glued myself to the bus seat with a strawberry Charleston Chew.

It fell between me and the seat when, in the middle of eating it, I slipped into a junior diabetic coma. I knew something was up when I tried to rise and was held back by the seat of my pants. Brown and pink and no change of clothes.

I still love you. I want you back.

April Fools!