Oh grow up

On Cultural Difference

Goyisher women exercise their kegels.

Jewish women exercise their kugels.

Formula Fun! 500 Delicious Recipes for the Whole Family to Enjoy

Oh shit, Gerbers is baby food. I meant Carnation. What an amateur.

Ew, what's this all over the bed? Angst?

Harold and Maudlin

[deleted the image by accident. no backup.]

The yawning mouth of hell

A former boyfriend saw this movie and told me it reminded him of me.

I have to say I was a little alarmed. Then I realized it was because he remembered I had sort of a thing for dentata folklore when I was 16. Dermoid cysts, or masculine fears of being devoured? Either way: cool!

(DO women diminish men with their vaginas? Geez. I mean I try.)

I wish I were in charge of marketing for this flick.

Chew on that.

...feeling a little peckish myself

I am a good person

When I was fourteen my boyfriend invited me to a party at his house.

The bathroom was out of the way, so he had to escort me.

To my chagrin, he waited for me just outside.

So I held the toilet handle down while I was peeing, hoping that the continued flush would drown out the sound of my stream.

But the toilet overflowed pee-water all over the bathroom floor.

Panicked, I cleaned up the mess with my boyfriend's bath towel.

After, I folded it and put it back on the rack.

Hey, I was fourteen.

The huge dutch guy who pissed in my kitchen sink just friended me on facebook.
Oh hi.

Halfsies

Today is my half birthday. Now when people ask me I get to say I'm 23 1/2.

I can't wait for the surprise party I know all my friends have planned for me. Maybe I'll finally get that world map shower curtain I've always wanted.

Putting the tight back in uptight

Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend Had a Twat Like Me
(Dontcha?)

Does wonders for the pelvic floor muscles

The List

What a sick little kid.

I was flipping through the diary I kept when I was thirteen and found this. If you can't tell, it's a list of hookups.

I'm appalled. And a little proud.

As you can see, it's pretty sophisticated. Color coded, for one, and the names are marked according to a key which includes gems like "sloppy 2nd," "sloppy 3rd," "love declared," and "asked out/declined." Oh, and don't forget "fuck."

Class-y.

I like how I included "T or D kid." That's someone - evidently a stranger - who I kissed during a game of Truth or Dare. Does that even count? Had to bulk up the list, I guess.

Also features Will C***n, the guy who felt up my boobs on a chorus trip. We didn't even kiss, hence just the one pink star for second base. He's just one of the guys on this list who've since come out of the closet. I think I was his only pair of breasts. A-cups, the poor sucker.

I'm not sure what the tallies are at the bottom. But I can imagine.

There's actually another list like this later on in the diary. Mostly the same thing, only with more categories (e.g. "head 4 me!"), but I won't post it. I do have some shame.

Why I Don't Speak Hebrew

Well, Bat Mitzvahs are really expensive. They're kind of like weddings. You get a lot of gifts, but it costs more than you get. So you can have a Bat Mitzvah... or we can take allll that money and go on a family trip to Europe.

Europe!!

Ok!

When?

Later...

trust no one (over thirteen)

Superpowers

I'm supposed to be cramming for a midterm I have in a few hours, but instead all I can think about is how bad I want superpowers.

Nothing ridiculous like flying. I'm not stupid. I know that you need at least osteoporosis to do that.

Why can't I be consistently clever or fashionable - or, hell, appropriate? I want to appear comfortable at parties. Enchant people with my cryptic wit. Coolly separate sex from emotion. Enjoy effortless hand-eye coordination...

I can't even swim the crawl stroke.

Is smoking pot a superpower? Hamhandedness? Self-indulgent self pity??

I guess I can spell really well. Fuck.

It's a good thing nobody reads this.

Sean Paul for President

Suddenly it all makes sense



Created by Jesse Novak. He is talented.

Chat with the Smart Roommate

• salt is good: i have a presentation on thursday about the crucifixion

• salt is good: and i know im going to crack up when i talk about jesus and his suffering

• salt is good: he looks like a snake in the picture im using

• Me: you should have gotten a picture of black gay jesus

• salt is good: he doesnt get crucified though

• salt is good: he moonwalks away

Easy Peasy

I was a vegetarian once.

It was really easy...

till I stopped taking all that speed.

I hope it never comes to this

Post Secret

I know that it's old news, but even though it’s gone downhill I still love the melodrama of PostSecret.

My post secret:

[redacted]

...

Also, The best gift I can imagine getting would be a shower curtain with a map of the world on it.

Now everyone knows my deepest darkests.